Recovery and Depression
A Personal Recovery Story
Content Warning: Depression, suicidal thoughts
My partner and I have been going through some office renovations since we both have transitioned to working from home part time. While shifting all our things around the tiny room I unearthed boxes of old journals I have kept clear back from when I was 10 years old and up to 2017. Those close to me will know that coincidently both of those years were significant periods in my life. I was 10 when my family moved to Idaho, and I noticed my first bouts of depression and 2017, just before I turned 21, I finalized my divorce.
I ended up spending several hours reading back through each journal and was struck with the realization that depression has played a huge part in my life. I can chuckle at myself a bit because “duh, of course it has why do you think you are in therapy” but, honestly seeing page after page of suicidal thoughts, depressive episodes, and desperation written in plain words from me at 10 years old… 13 years old…17 years old… 21 years old etc. was a big “ah ha” moment around the impact it has had on my life.
I think for a while now I have thought my depression was a relatively new part of myself but looking back and being frank with myself, I know it has been with me for a very long time. So, for my recovery story I would like to speak about depression. It seems counter intuitive to talk about depression from a recovery standpoint because, for me depression is a constant companion. Something I carry around with me like a rock. Sometimes it is a small rock in my pocket, a weighted reminder of a part of myself I have grown used to almost able to forget about. And other times it is the rock in my shoe I can’t get rid of, starting out as a small annoyance and compounding step after step into an open and irritating wound immobilizing each step I take.
So how do you recover from something that will never go away? How do you feel peace around an illness you can’t get rid of? Past Janae chose to hide a lot from the reality of having depression and let me tell you, it did not work well, and I still struggle with this concept. A phrase I still use consistently in therapy is “if I ignore it, it will go away, right?”. This comes up whenever I bump into a feeling or situation within the session I am being forced to face. The lesson I have started to learn is this, you can’t make anything go away, especially when it is within and a part of you. Instead, there is a shift towards acceptance.
Now I know this may bring up a significant amount of resistance for a lot of us, I know it does for me. The stubborn part of myself that hates giving up or relenting to things does not like acceptance. The terrified scared part of me that does not want to face the pain depression brings does not like acceptance. But while reconnecting with my 10-year-old self, reading the untidy handwriting of my own suicide note, I understood I do not deserve to stay in limbo any longer and need acceptance, understanding, and resolution towards what I was feeling.
Acceptance brings peace. Acceptance allows me to acknowledge what is happening clearing space for kindness and forgiveness to my body, mind, and spirit. I can bring kindness to myself now and for all the past parts of myself that struggled for so long through these big emotions, often blindly and without hope. I can look back at 10-year-old Janae and recognize how equally lost and strong she was. I can bring to her the clarity that it does get better. I can celebrate being 26 and survived through so much but also found many things that make me incredibly happy and grateful to still be alive.
Acceptance also gives me permission to work with my depression instead of trying to get rid it. When you aren’t hiding or fighting something anymore you get to start creating supports to bolster yourself around it. I feel more empowered to ask what I need from my friends and family. I know that there are lots of tools I can use at any given time to help me. It is okay to advocate for what I need, to take breaks, and to have dark days. It is all allowed, and it is all accepted.
While reading thought my journals I realized there were a few things I wrote that really helped me during those darker times and I thought I would share.
- Making lists of things I wanted to live to see, do or experience. Some of the things I wrote down a lot where; living to grow up and be a good auntie, learning to play the piano, traveling to a new country and more short-term things like learning to sing a new song, waiting for an artist’s next book or album, and wanting to see the next turn of season or holiday.
- Reminding myself there are people who would miss me and listing them out. Making the promise to myself that I don’t want to bring these people any pain or sadness, so I needed to stick around.
- Writing down my feelings and letting them be just feelings, knowing I don’t have to act on anything.
Finally, for anyone who sees themselves in these words and experiences, know that I see you. I feel your struggles and understand the long journey of living life with depression. Give yourself permission to find any level of acceptance around where you are right now in your battle. Then give yourself as much kindness, compassion and love you can. Take care of yourself in whatever ways you can then ask for help with the rest. I’ll leave you with a wonderful quote from a poem I found in a journal of mine,
“I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean towards the opposite”. -Shane Koyczan
And know I wish you well on any recovery journey you may be traveling.
